…Yesterday was the day that I shall remember for the rest of my life. It all started when I finally had the courage and strength to leave the comfort zone of Stockholm, where I was staying, and begin my long expected and planned voyage to Portugal. My big walking and spiritual adventure. Weather was ok, not too hot or cold, and sunny. It took me a couple of hours to come to Huddinge, small city 15 km SW of Sweden’s capital.
The first problems have begun when I tried to come to the big lake of Trehörning, a swamp lake surrounded with big, thick and old viking forest with high and dangerous cliffs. While I tried to find a way to the water, to bath or refresh myself, I fell down on the ground, together with my heavy rucksack, and almost broke my right leg. I was very furious. But I managed to get back to the city, with the help of locals (I almost got lost in the forest, but I did found some mushrooms and wild blueberries).
When I came back to the city, it was late at night, and I was feeling so down, so depressed and “beaten to the ground”. I was lonelly, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was totally lost. I just wandered the outskirts of the city. My body was crushed, my mind destroyed. And this is what I have written in my notebook in those moments of big despair:
“The journey has begun. The private crusade. After the months of big turmoils, I have decided that the time has come to meet my final destiny. For good or for bad. The life spent in depressive solitude made me even more affraid of what shall come next. I just started this big spiritual journey, as I have called it, and I’m already feeling pain, great pain. My body is in great stress. My psyche is confused and I’m very tired. Tired of living. Living alone. Tired of constant failures of my life. I don’t know what to do any more. Should I continue with this foolish journey or abandon everything, once and for all. Because, I know if I continue like this, tommorow for me may never come. I can’t sleep, I can’t think, I can’t eat any more. What should I do, where should I go? I’m just a stranger in the stranger’s land. There is nowhere where I can hide. Not any more. For the first time in my life, I’m totally speechless and confused. I need help, and I need it know.”
Then, I got up and walk a bit to try to find a place to sit down and rest, a coffee shop or restaurant that was still opened. I didn’ t want to be alone. Luckilly, I found karaoke bar full of youngsters, having fun, singing, dancing. I sat down, bought a beer, watched them sing. I was still alone, and I knew I didn’t belong there. Then, after an hour, I watched a man sing a song “When A Children Cry” by White Lion (https://youtu.be/95KRd1PYRkA).
When I heard this song, I wanted to cry:
“When the children cry let them know we tried
‘Cause when the children sing then the new world begins…”
Then, I found out why I was on this thorny path. Why am I doing this after all. It’s not about me, it never was. It’s about other people who need our help, the poor, who are living in constant pain and fear. It’s about all those crying children in the world, who are starving to death, who are hungry, thirsty and ill. They need our help, they need my help. So if I came to this world to be a teacher of the poor and ignorant, then that is what I should do. I was so ashamed of myself, my selfish ego, so I came to forest, I knelt on the ground, I prayed to my Father, and cried. Like never in my life. Then, all of the sudden, out of nowhere, came a cat who wanted to play with me, she wanted to tell me that everything is alright, that I’m not alone. We are never alone.
And today morning, I left my shoes and became a barefoot pilgrim.
P.P.S. For my beloved blog friend Supernatural Hippie, I dedicate a song to her to listen and remember me, if we never see each other in this life. The song is “End of the World” by Aphrodite’s Child.