…After I had experienced a big shock yesterday evening, when my body and mind was in total chaos, and my soul wanted to burst out of me like a hot lava from the raging volcano, today happened the expected finale.
Walking for a couple of hours on the bad asphalt bike road on my way from Huddinge to Södertalje, and without the shoes and socks, I experienced probably the worst day in my life, and especially concerning my walking adventures. I knew it will be very hard, and that that is a total foolishness from me to expect to get to Portugal like that (even with shoes that would be very hard). After more then an hour of slowly and painful walking (that felt like walking on crashed glass), I finally came to some reasoning and said to myself what are you doing, stop this crazy journey at once, do you really trying to kill yourself. If you want to kill yourself, there are easier and less painful ways to do it. Then I walked through the small town of Flemingsbergs, where the first problems occured.
When I approached the village of Tullinge, I knew that everything was over. My legs couldn’t stand any more pressure from the hazardous ground. Instead of making more troubles, I just waited for the next local bus to come, and to pick me up to the nearest railway station. After I came back to Huddinge to try to find the shoes that I left in the park in the suburbs, I had even more problems. I just couldn’t find the right way, the right road to the park. So I walked round and round all over the town, barefooted and broken, till I finally, one hour later, I found it (luckilly, nobody took it). Meanwhile, the rain started to fall, so I was completelly wet, furious and tired. I know I will remember this two last days for a very long time, before I go back to Stockholm, try to find another bed-free hostel and figure out what to do in next few days, try to stay here and find some sort of job, of fly the way back to my homeland, to my home city of Zagreb.
And whatever I choose, I don’t want to be alone. No more. Never again. The last 38 years of loneliness are just to much for anyone to bear.
I think Ianus Christius has died today, on that harsh and dangerous road…