…In my country people say:
“Everything that is good, lasts short.”
And my life will surely come to its end, especially now when I lost the only thing that kept me going on for some time here in this capital of the Frozen Lands, in the place which I hate more than any other places where I was before in the last couple of years, including Germany and Austria; place where people are so selfish, idiotic, mentally retarded and so cold that they don´t care for nobody else but themselves, people that live in a land that will surely not last for too long (with all of this immigrant and other social issue crisis), land with such an idiotic rules that I could never imagine that I will live in.
Two days ago, on the Saturday evening, when I was doing my regular visit to the Stockholm´s Metro Stations, and while collecting bottles and cans to earn some money for myself, I was sitting in a train, along with my plastic bag full of bottles and cans under my feet, and a rucksack full of my personal things that I put on the train seat by my right side.
Being so angry and desperate at the same time because of all the everyday problems that I have here in Stockholm, being homeless and unemployed for almost four months, I got up from my seat, took my plastic bag and left the train. Ten minutes later, when I was trying to find more bottles on the next metro station, I realized that my backpack is not on my shoulders, and that I left it there, on the train seat before I left the train. I was so angry on myself, and first what came to my mind is that I have to go to the Central Station, to the Customer Service to report the missing of my rucksack. When I came there, and explained what has happened, they said that they will contact the train drivers of the train in which I was driving, but I knew I could say goodbye to the things I was carrying inside it (thank God that my wallet and other personal documents were not inside it).
Later that evening, still angry and confused, while trying to get inside the place where I was sleeping (illegally) for the last month or so, I saw that there is a police car moving around, as well as two security officers questioning people about a man that was seen going in and out this place where I was sleeping (they were talking about me), so when they asked me (and not knowing it was me they were looking for), I just pretended that I was just a tourist walking around and that I didn´t knew anything about it.
Late at night that same day, I managed to get inside the place and sleep a whole Sunday, but today, on the early Monday morning, two workers came inside the big tent where I was sleeping, found me (for the first time in this 5-6 weeks that I was there), woke me up, and explained to me that I can not sleep any longer in here. I told them that I know that it is illegal to sleep here and etc., and one of them told me, that as far as he is concerned (and his boss), they don´t mind so much me being here and sleeping over, if I don´t do anything bad like stealing, burning things or doing anything bad. But the problem was that they have a lot of video cameras everywhere around the place (which is a big restaurant and dancing hall with its surrounding areas including this big outside tents that they use during the summertime, as the outside summer terrace), and all that the cameras record goes directly to the local police station. So, in general, they all knew that I was here, but they didn´t do anything about it, because I was just sleeping over and didn´t do any damage to their property. Unfortunatelly, in the next few weeks they will host a lot of people in that big area, as part of their big Christmas party, so the worker told me that it would be very hard for me to stay there and not to be noticed by so many other people that will come here in the next few days and weeks. And if other people see me there, than they will surelly contact the police and the security, which means that the workers and their boss will have a lot of problems explaining why am I sleeping there.
So, due to all of these, for me bad events, I have only two options, one is to sleep outside, which is not acceptable due to the fact that the winter is approaching, and being still without the job, things just don´t look too good for me any more (and we are talking about sleeping outside in the North European coutry, where the winters can be very harsh, and the temperatures in Stockholm in the middle of the winter can go down to 25 Celsius degrees below zero).
Other option, that is now the only one left for me, is to pack my big rucksack (only one that is left) with a few things that I still possess, and in next few days go away from Stockholm and Sweden, go for good, and never ever turn back to this Viking´s frozen shithole.
Where will I go, what will I do, where will I sleep and what will I eat, I don´t know. With just 250 Swedish crowns in my wallet, that I saved from collecting bottles (and that is only approx. 25 euros), I will not get far, that is for sure. Walking for days with my big and heavy rucksack on this cold, rainy, dark and windy weather, with winter “at the doors”, most likely going south, in the direction of Denmark, I will have to find some place where I can hide, at least till the winter will be over (maybe I could find some old schack in some of the big forests here in Sweden).
I really don´t know what to do now. I just know one thing, if I don´t find something where I can sleep over and eat something, this could be the last journey in my life. I just hope that I will have time to celebrate my 38. birthday, which will come in a matter of two weeks.
Only thing that I will regret before I leave this world for good, is the fact that I didn´t achieve anything special, something that I will be remembered when I´m gone.
So, this last ten years have been a hell for me, of which at least half of that time I spent in being homeless and unemployed (especially in Croatia, Austria and now Sweden). So much time I have lost trying to find what I really wanted from my life, but always getting in the wrong directions, spending time in the wrong places, working on wrong jobs, and spending time with wrong people.
I know now, wherever I will go next, I will probably never find place that I´m looking for, never find real happines and satisfaction that we all want. This bad luck will always follow me around, like an evil shadow.
All of my life, at least that I remember it, I was alone, even when I was surrounded with the members of my family, relatives and friends. I never had real parents (my parents split when I was a kid, I rarely saw my father, and my mother was more an enemy than a friend). The same thing was going on with most of my friends and coworkers. Always changing jobs, friends, places, never satisfied. I always wanted more and better, but I didn´t knew where to search. Like now.
So, for the end of this post, probably my last one, I only hope that when they find me somewhere in the vast Swedish forests, dead frozen, that they will satisfy my only wish, that my body should be cremated and the ashes spread all over the wild nature land, in some forest or lake, as I wanted long time ago.
If I couldn´t live a normal life, at least I want to die in a honorable way.
For all of my struggles and problems that I experienced in the last couple of months and years, you can read some of my last posts like:
As you could read from all of these previous posts, I had been fighting for most of my life, but now, I don´t have any more strength and will to continue to fight, my body is broken, my mind is weak and my soul wants to rest forever, to achieve that peace and quiet that I´m trying to find all of my miserable life.
Thank you all for reading my posts and supporting me, unfortunatelly, that has to end.
P.S. I managed to find my rucksack, later in the afternoon, in the SL Lost items department, so at least I will have some satisfaction that I didn´t lost all of my things before I go on, I believe, my last journey.